(This holiday letter is a transcript from the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, originally broadcast on Sunday, September 13, 2009. While the final broadcast was edited for television, this is the transcript of what transpired after cameras stopped rolling.)
Kanye West: Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you…Im’ma let you finish. But Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!
Taylor Swift: Ummmmm, well, uh.
Kanye West: An’ Im’ma tell you somethin’ else, they not here right now, but the Hendricks family, that (deleted) they dropped in 2009? That (deleted) was tight, know what I’m saying?
Awards Show Announcer: Security to main stage. All available security to the main stage.
Kanye West: You know, they a lot of tours goin’ on right now, you know, U2 just doin’ their thing, and that’s good and all, but that Steve and Rochelle 2009 world tour? You know what them (deleted) did this year? Like, 2 straight weeks out of town at the end of the summer. I mean, fo’ reals, who does that, you know? Places like Amsterdam, London, New York, Ogden, San Diego, Idaho Falls, know what I’m sayin’? They jus’ doin’ their thing, man. With two kids. That’s just, that’s just ridiculous. I almost opened for them.
Taylor Swift: Can I just say somethi…
Kanye West: An’ another thing, that little girl, Alora, y’all better watch out. You know, there these young (deleted) out there, doin’ their thing, trying to get played, but I am telling you, you gonna hear more from her some day. She just now startin’ preschool, you know, but I was there when she stared down like, this entire ballet class, and she was just like, “Whuddup (deleted)? Huh? You gonna mess with me?” I wan’t gonna mess with her, fo’ sho.
Taylor Swift: I’m not even sure what you’re talking about now.
Kanye West: You know this other cat that be hangin’ with her? James? That character, he is like, crazy smart, you know? He’s another up and comer, doin’ his thing, you know, puttin’ in his time at Kindergarten for the first time, playin’ soccer, gettin’ out on the rollerblades, lovin’ that Star Wars. You give this cat 10 years, he gonna take all my iTunes download records.
Taylor Swift: You can just finish, I’ll wait…
Kanye West: And Beyonce, she had the best video of all time, but Steve and Rochelle, they had the best marriage of all time. THE BEST! She was like, up at girls camp, working with the young women at church, gettin’ her groove on at midnight showings for Harry Potter and Twilight.
Security Guard: Mr. West, please come with us…please…
Kanye West: Hey, they draggin’ me off, get your phones out to tape this so I can use it in court, but I wanna give one more shout out, my man, Steve, a.k.a. MC Hache, he dropped some Spanish raps on his students this year, had a student teacher, and finally made DC. I’m proud of ya’ dog! Hey, why you getting’ physical man? You know who I am…HEY!!! POLICE BRUTALITY!!!
Awards Show Announcer: Up next, acting weird and lip synching her latest hit, Lady Gaga will do something eerily similar to a performance, at the 2009, MTV Video Music Awards!